The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize