I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
