it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
