I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
