I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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