I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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