smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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