you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
