Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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