I wish my penis had an off switch
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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