i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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