Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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