I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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