Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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