Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
