i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
