My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
