Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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