Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
