please come you make the beer taste better
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
