I want to stick my p in your. b.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
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you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
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No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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