I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
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I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
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I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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