you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
