mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
