I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
