Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
