he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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