There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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