Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
