he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
