I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Randomize
