it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
3 2 1 whiskey
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
