I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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