my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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