made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
