Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
