getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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