So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
