I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
i now understand why vodka
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
