i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
