Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
