Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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