I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You pole danced in your parka.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
