Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
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No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
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brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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