Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
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