i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
