IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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