I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
