you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
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whose parrot is this?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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