Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".