I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
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I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
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I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless