I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
