I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
