i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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