i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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