my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
