I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
