My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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