I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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