$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
