What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just invented taco cereal.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
