my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
