I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
time to smoke my breakfast
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
